Desire vs Need
by nothinginreturn
Summary: Refreshed and rewritten - Desire vs Need 2.0! John Shepard is tired, his thoughts fractured. Now all he wants is her. However when the Reapers launch their attack on Earth, only one man can lead the Galaxy to victory. Can he focus on the many before he finds her? ME3 time frame - similar but yet different (to the game and the old story!)
1. Chapter 1

**I usually put these at the end, but this can be the exception. I've decided to re-write my first (incomplete) story, Desire vs Need. So to some of you, you'll be like.. huh, that's an odd choice. But here it is anyway. A lot of it will be the same, but there's going to be pretty huge bits that will change. I learnt a lot from doing this the first time and there's a story here that I want to tell. So without further ado, Desire vs Need 2.0!**

* * *

><p><em>It should have been a celebration. Not only of their success at completing the so-called 'suicide mission' without loosing a single crew-member of the SSV Normandy SR-2, but for Shepard, the verbal middle finger that he displayed to his now former employer. They were free of Cerberus. He had his ship, his team and her. The Reapers were coming, he knew that. But they would be prepared. <em>

_And then everything changed. _

_It was rare to see her so visibly upset. She was always so cool under pressure, little cracks to show. Even when she quit Cerberus for him, she remained so calm. It was damn impressive!_

_"Shepard you can't do this"_

_"Miranda I.." Shepard couldn't finish his sentence as Miranda raised a hand to stop him. This wasn't his time to talk. He looked directly upon the beautiful woman standing at the foot of the bed in their cabin and inwardly sighed.__ How they had got to this point he wasn't even sure. __The nicknames she had been given (many by Jack) were a complete 180 to the woman who stood before him. This wasn't the cheerleader or the ice queen. At one point they were _all nick_names he once put stock in, but all the nicknames were now long gone in his mind. Now it was just Miranda. Miri._ _My Miri._ _And she was in pain._

_"No! Listen, John. We need you. The galaxy needs you". She paused. Despite the last few months of bliss it was still..__wrong? No that wasn't right. Difficult?_ _Yes. It was difficult for Miranda Lawson to say the next words that came out of her mouth. To say them to the man she admired the most. To say them to her Commander. Her friend. The man she loved._

_"I.. need you."_

Those three words still rocked Commander John Shepard to his core as he stared at the ceiling in his room located at Alliance headquarters in Vancouver, BC.

Sleep had been hard to come by for the Commander of the SSV-Normandy SR2 after six months of the same memory running through his mind every time he closed his eyes. Those same questions that haunted him remained. _Did I do the right thing? Was there a better way to go about it?_ _Where is she? Is she okay? _He was constantly in meetings, providing warning after warning about what would soon be arriving on their doorstep. He thought of her, wherever she was and how their arrival would impact on all of their lives soon enough.

Honestly he wondered if he'd ever see her again..

Every day in Vancouver was seemingly the same.

"When you blew up the Batarian relay hundreds of thousands of Batarians died."

Same line of questioning, prodding. Always accusing. By now it was the same reply. "The Reapers are coming." John calmly responded at the latest in the line of pencil pushers who came, at least in Shepards mind, just to bury him even more. It was an eerie sort of calm that he responded with. Not like the anger, the frustration and annoyance of his first couple of months in lock-up. He realised probably too late that it was getting him nowhere. In fact it was definitely playing against him, portraying a man who had clearly cracked because of the pressure put upon him. But now? Now it was resigned. It wasn't the powerful John Shepard that convinced many to follow him on a suicide mission through the Omega 4 relay. It wasn't the John Shepard who convinced the Councils former top (and indoctrinated) Spectre to raise his own pistol to his head. It was just a man, repeating seemingly endlessly what people chose not to hear.

Shepard knew he wasn't well liked or even well respected any-more by many of the higher ups in the Alliance. It wasn't a surprise. He "worked for terrorists" and killed hundreds of thousands of Batarians. There was however a fair few who thought Shepard deserved a medal for his recent actions, at least in private. But John Shepard was tired. Tired of explaining his actions with Cerberus. Tired of trying to convince the Alliance prepare. Tired of the looks he received while walking the hallways.

His few friends in power did everything they could for him. David Anderson visited as often as his schedule could allow, trying to keep the spirits up of the fallen icon. But he could see it in his protégés eyes – John Shepard was damn tired.

And as he closed his eyes once more, her voice returned. The sweetest sound he had ever heard. But the words were continually filled with pain.

_"I.. need you"._

* * *

><p>The door opened as James Vega strode in looking purposeful as always. Shepard liked James. While many people had totally dismissed Shepard during his stay in lock-up, James had stood by the Commander and not just because he was on a glorified guard duty. It wasn't hero worship, it was respect.<p>

"Commander" said the Alliance marine as he saluted with a smile.

Shepard sighed. "Look, James. You're not supposed to call me that any more".

James smirked. He had heard it many, many times before. At least five times a day by his count. Hell he probably said it more then the word 'Reaper' to Alliance brass. But it wasn't disrespect on the soldier's part. Far from it. He was simply trying to keep the Commander in the right frame of mind for when all this mess had gotten cleared up. _Shepard? A terrorist? No way. He did what was right. I'd have done the same thing. _

"Not supposed to salute you either. Anyway you ready?"

Shepard nodded. Day after day to try and keep himself busy he'd go to the gym with James and work out. Apart from talking to nameless faces and trying to keep her off his mind, he had little else to do. So he trained. I mean if the Reapers didn't blow him to hell straight away, he fancied putting up some sort of fight while shouting _'I told you so'_ at the suits cowering in the corner.

"Let's go.." Shepard stopped as James omni-tool flared to life. James grimaced. "Change of plans Commander". Shepard groaned, he had already guessed what was going on. Seemingly the same thing that happened over and over again. "The defence committee wants to see you". Even James was tired of saying that. While he wasn't privy to the information that the meetings contained, he could tell by the look on Shepards what was going on in there.

"Sounds important" Shepard spoke sarcastically, rolling his eyes as Vega tried not to chuckle. Shepard dropped his gym bag and followed Vega out of the door, barely managing to move as a young woman nearly barrelled into him. They walked down the corridor into the main operating grid, only coming to a stop as Vega saluted the man approaching rapidly from a door to their left.

"Admiral."  
>"Anderson."<p>

Shepard shook his mentors hand firmly. For everything that had happened in the last six months, he would never forget what Admiral David Anderson had done for him. Plus if it wasn't for Anderson and Hackett, he probably wouldn't have had such a nice ceiling to stare at every night. He chuckled darkly at the thought.

Anderson narrowed his eyes. "Something funny Shepard?"

"No sir".

"Right. And knock off that crap."

Shepard chuckled again. "Okay, boss."

Anderson shook his head as he began to walk, the two men following quickly. "I think you're the only one who's in a good mood here today, figures. This is the day you've been waiting for. To say to so many about what fools they've been.."

The day had arrived.

Shepard paused on the flight of stairs they were climbing, Anderson stopping too. "The Reapers?"

"We don't know. Not for certain. But.."

Shepard shook his head, the joking with his mentor had long stopped. "What else could it be?"

"If I knew that.."

Shepard was suddenly very, very aware of the situation. The Reapers were coming. It was time. He needed to get out of there. He needed to find her.

As the conversation continued and Shepard once again heard why he was in lock-down he found himself answering Anderson clearly while trying to think of something different all-together. He caught sight of a guard out of the corner of his eye. _Disarm him? Lead him as a hostage to safety?_ He rubbished the thought. He was in the Alliance base of operations. No matter how good he was, he couldn't get out of there alive especially after assaulting Alliance personal. Plus as much as James liked and respected him, he was a soldier through and through. He may not shoot to kill, but he'd definitely slow Shepard down if he saw the man making a run for it. He might have to be ordered, but it'd happen. He shook the thoughts from his mind as they came to a stop by a series of sensors.

Shepard turned to James and shook his hand firmly as Anderson was quickly briefed by a young woman looking more than panicked. It was a different voice that caught his attention as he returned his focus towards Anderson however.

"Shepard?"

"Ashley.."

* * *

><p>Everything had happened in what felt like a flash for John Shepard. The Reapers were here. Earth was under attack. <em>I'm back on the Normandy<em>? _With Ashley?_ To say their "reunion" was awkward would be an understatement. He hadn't seen Ashley since Horizon when.. Shepard shook off the memory as he walked through the cargo-bay towards the elevator. He quickly caught sight of the adjustments the Alliance had made to the cargo-bay. For the most part, he approved.

_No mako though, that's a bummer. _

"Commander", the voice of Jeff "Joker" Moreau filled the cargo bay bringing Shepard out of his own thoughts.

"Joker is that you?"

"Alive and kicking"

"Don't kick too hard, don't want you to break anything important." For a moment it was as if there was no war, no danger, just two men who had been through a whole lot together shooting the shit.

"And by important, I mean the ship."

"Very funny Commander!" Joker dead-panned as Shepard looked down to the tags still freshly grasped in his hand. "Got a message coming in from Admiral Hackett". Shepard snapped back to action and made his way over to the console. He watched as Hackett's form appeared statically and proceeded to order Shepard to the Mars Archives to find Liara and investigate what she had found. Shepard snapped off a crisp salute as he gave his pilot the heading.

"Er, skipper?" John turned and looked to the inquisitive form of Ashley Williams. With everything that had happened in such a short time, he totally forgot about the two Alliance soldiers standing behind him.

"Yes Ash?"

"Are you going to tell us what's going on?"

Shepard raised an eyebrow.

"Sorry Williams, I'm just so used to you not being around here I completely forgot you were there". _Harsh.. but it kinda feels good. Not quite an I told you so though.. _

That took Ashley back. She stood, clearly confused as Shepard turned back towards one of the consoles. _The old Shepard would have never said something like that to me. He was kind, he was giving, he was the best man I ever knew. I loved him._ Before she could issue a response James got there before her.

"Commander.."

"We're heading to the Mars achieves Vega."

"Mars?" said James, showing the same confusion as Ashley.

"Mars. Grab your gear."

* * *

><p><strong>Twelve hours before the fall of Earth.<strong>

Miranda couldn't stay here. She had to move. _Move._ She tried to lift herself up against the wall, the lone bullet that ripped through her shields nestled comfortably in her right knee. "Goddamn it!" C-Sec would be arriving soon and despite her prior meetings with Commander Bailey along with Shepard, she was still ex-Cerberus.

_Shepard._ How she could use Shepard now. Miranda scoffed. She never needed anybody. She was Miranda Lawson.

Except that right now, she really needed some help.

Forcing herself one more time to try to lift herself, she managed to do so with a lot of help from the wall and a little help from her biotics until she was finally on her feet. Or rather, foot. Weighing heavily on her left side she looked down at the two Cerberus bodies. _Only two. I'm insulted. Yet.._ The pain coursing through her body made it clear to her that thankfully, there were only two.

_Move._

As quickly as she could, she dragged herself away from the lower ward she had found herself in. Thankfully not leaving behind a blood trail thanks to the last of the medigel she had doing the trick, she needed to get to somebody. _But who?_ Over her lifetime, she could count on one hand the people that she truly trusted. Hell it only took three fingers. As she limped away she ran through her options. _Huerta? Not an option_._A gunshot wound on the Citadel and they'd have to alert C-Sec. Could she sort it herself? Absolutely. Would she have the time? Doubtful. Plus the complete lack of supplies._ Miranda rolled her eyes. _Two mercs. TWO._ Something clicked in the mind of Miranda Lawson. _Two_. As she brought up her omni-tool, she quickly found the information that she needed to find. "I knew it" she whispered softly to herself as she heard the faint noise of C-Sec finding the two dead Cerberus morons.

Liberating a skycar with little difficulty, she keyed in the address from her omni-tool. Sitting back, she grimaced in discomfort during the relatively short journey. She was thankful for auto-pilot at this time. She smiled softly at a memory of Shepard driving a sky-car during their hunt against the Collectors. For as good as he was, driving was certainly not his strong point. She brushed away the memory as the car slowed down. As she came to a stop, she excited the sky-car and limped her way over to the apartment that she was looking for. Knocking twice, she waited only a few seconds before the door opened before her.

"Miranda?" The surprise was evident in the woman's voice as she looked upon the person in front of her and the way she was balancing against her door frame. "My dear what happened?"

"I got sloppy" she replied through gritted teeth.

"Come on inside, hurry now"

Miranda walked into the apartment as Dr. Chakwas closed the door behind her.

* * *

><p>It didn't take long for Dr. Chakwas to sort out her injuries. It felt like it took her longer to convince Miranda to stay and rest for awhile before heading out the door. Always stubborn that one. Just like Shepard. <em>Ah Shepard.<em> She raised her mug to the ceiling, a solitary toast to one of the greatest men she had ever known.

It wasn't long before Miranda limped towards her in the kitchen. Chakwas wished she could be surprised, but knowing the crew of the Normandy like she did, it seemed like all of them didn't want to be around her that long!

"Thanks doctor but I really.."

Chakwas held up a hand. "Nonsense! You've hardly rested at all" She knew she was in a loosing battle straight away.

"I'm fine, really. I need to go."

Chakwas sighed. _She was definitely like Shepard_. Trying to stop her further would be pointless.

"Thank you again" said Miranda sincerely.

"You're very welcome my dear." Chakwas smiled softly as Miranda turned and walked towards the door. She stopped and slowly turned towards the Dr.

"Have you.. heard anything, about him?" asked Miranda softly. It was a different side to Miranda Lawson. A side that not many see. A softly spoken sentence that Dr. Chakwas had never heard from Miranda before. The only ice here was in her excellent beverage.

Chakwas got up from her stool and walked towards her. "I'm sorry Miranda, I haven't heard anything about his incarceration" she replied honestly, watching as Miranda's shoulders slumped slightly before the ice cool exterior returned.

"Thank you doctor."

"Miranda, wait!" Karin called to her as Miranda set off towards the door again. "I'm sure he's okay." They were hollow words but still she said them. She certainly meant them anyway.

"I know.." Miranda replied softly. "Just... never mind."

And with that Miranda Lawson exited the apartment and closed the door behind her.

* * *

><p><strong>One hour after the fall of Earth.<strong>

The initial feeds were horrifying. But yet, there wasn't as much of a panic as you'd expect there to be. People.. were actually quite calm on the Citadel. It worried Miranda. _They're not ready and they're not even taking it seriously. They will._

It wasn't hard for Miranda Lawson to get transport aboard a ship leaving the Citadel. A seductive smile here, a sway of the hips there. It was all so easy for the former Cerberus operative. She needed to get away, away from the Citadel, away from Cerberus. Illium. She had arranged to meet a contact there. Part of her wanted to travel to Earth, to find him. But she knew it would be suicide.

_I don't even know if he's alive. _

Disgusted, she shook off the thought. _He's bloody alive._

"Miss Grimes?"

Miranda turned, looking at the man. She smiled softly towards him._An alias of course, one of many__. _Not her favorite she had ever used, but needs must.

"We're just getting ready to depart".

"Thank you." She smiled sweetly at the young human who ran off back into the ship. _Probably just made his night, definitely too easy sometimes._ She took one last look at the Citadel docking port and stepped aboard the ship. Soon after, they were out of the Citadel and firmly on way to Illium.

Looking out of a starboard window, Miranda sighed. _You're out here somewhere. Probably already trying to save the galaxy after breaking out of jail or somewhere._ She smiled softly. _Be safe, John._


	2. Chapter 2

It had been over three years since Ashley Williams had fought under the command of John Shepard, but the memories were still incredibly vivid for the soldier.

Their relationship grew quickly. One minute he was saving her from the Geth, the next they were rolling between the sheets on the way to Ilos. It had been a natural progression, something that was easy, something that felt right.

His death tore her apart. Many nights went by as she gazed upon the stars, wishing for an alternate reality to her current situation. Even two years later as she sat on-top of her bed on Horizon, she wondered how much different it could have been.

Ashley Williams always tried to stay as calm as possible in battle. She'd seen a lot in her career, especially within the last three years. _However_ what she just witnessed made her quite frankly, gob smacked.

John Shepard had just launched himself across the battle-field using biotics. The only issue with that in Ashley's mind though was the fact that Shepard did not have biotics. Or that he didn't prior to this reunion, anyway.

"Shepard.. the hell?" said Ashley, her voice returning as the last Cerberus soldier crumbled.

Collapsing his shotgun calmly, Shepard turned to face his former flame.

"Ah.. yeah." The man had a slight embarrassed look upon his face. "The biotics, right?" Ashley nodded. "It's something they threw in when.." he glanced quickly at Vega, "..I went deep."

It was still strange for Shepard to cover his tracks. The reality of his actual resurrection was not common knowledge for the majority of those in the Galaxy, James Vega included. After his return was made public knowledge, it was put forward that he was simply in deep cover and that the announcement of his demise was simply a smoke screen. It was a soft excuse, but if Vega was concerned at it's legitimacy, he offered no sign of it.

Ashley Williams however was fully aware of the truth. Shepard had attempted to tell the story, poorly, on Horizon. But it wasn't until she was granted special access to the reports and documentation by Anderson however did she truly learn the grizzly details.

"The.. mission logs didn't mention it."

Shepard shrugged. "Maybe they thought it wasn't an issue. Is it an issue, Ash?"

It was an issue. It was a big freaking issue. It was already strange enough to be standing along side him once more, but now he had been 'improved' by Cerberus. Her mind raced. _What else could they have done to him? Could they be controlling him in some way?_

"Ash, look." It was almost as if he could read her mind as he approached her, speaking low so to give the two some privacy. "I know you've probably got 101 questions, concerns and.. issues with things that transpired. I respect that, really I do. And I'm going to do my best to try and alleviate any worries you may have. But right now, I need you to trust me. We've got a job to do here and we're going to get it done." Shepard smiled. "I'll try not to launch any more surprises without letting you know first, deal?"

For everything that had transpired, it was damn good for Ashley Williams to hear the man speak like that once more. He was right, she did have one hundred and one questions, but right now their world's were crumbling and they had shit to get done to try and stop it.

"Lead the way, skipper."

As they travelled up towards the facility, they faced little resistance with only just a couple of Cerberus troops standing guard by the vehicles. Taking the elevator up towards the facility, it was nagging at Ashley about wanting answers regarding Cerberus. _Why are they here? What do they want?_ She looked over at Shepard. Preparing to speak she decided against it. _Trust him._

Shepard wasn't expecting Cerberus. While he was sure that he would no longer be on the Illusive Man's Christmas card list, the fact they were here fighting them so out in the open was extremely troubling. For the most part, Cerberus had never been so public with any actions against the Alliance. For them to be declaring all out war on the Alliance at a time when everyone needs to be standing together? _Problematic_.

Shepard's thoughts unsurprisingly travelled to Miranda. Leaving Cerberus after so many years was never going to be an easy thing for the former operative. The Illusive Man wasn't best pleased, making threats against her and Oriana after the destruction of the Collector base. Thankfully, Shepard knew a specific broker who agreed to make arrangements so that the younger Lawson would once again be safe and secure. However the fact that Cerberus were attacking a location that Liara T'Soni was currently inside of? _Once again, problematic._

* * *

><p>Despite everything as he stepped out of cover, Shepard had a smile on his face. Here was Liara T'Soni, seemingly un-hurt, executing two Cerberus soldiers at point blank range. Three years ago, this would have worried him. But Liara T'Soni wasn't the shy, bookish sort that she was when Shepard rescued her from the Geth and one angry Krogan using a rather large mining laser many years ago. She turned at the sound of his voice and the smile that she held for only appearances by John Shepard appeared, her response warm and welcoming.<p>

Ashley Williams on the other hand wasn't so at ease at the display as her Commander. She remembered Liara improving in the field as the search for Saren went on, but this? _Liara seems.. more dangerous. __If anything, she reminded her more of Benezia. __Powerful, unwavering._However she quickly recognized the smile on the young Asari's face. _The smile for Shepard_. It was no secret the love that the Asari had for Shepard but when push came to shove, he chose Ashley back on the SR1. Ashley wondered what she had been through since the destruction of the original Normandy. Their crew, Shepard's crew, drifted apart soon after his funeral and this was the first time she had seen Liara since.

A few minutes prior, Liara T'Soni was frustrated. Scrambling through a vent didn't help that. As she finally reached her exit, kicking down a panel and leaping down she finally felt like the goddess was on her side again – no more reinforcements. Launching a singularity at the helpless Cerberus soldiers who appeared at the end of the vent she raised her pistol and with cool precision made her shots count. As she walked over to the dying man on the ground this was no time for questions, only finality. And then it happened, that voice, that man.

_Get a grip Liara_. _You're hearing things._

But then he spoke again and as she turned, there he was. The ever recognizable N7 armour that surrounded the Commander was directly in her line of vision. She looked up to see his smiling face and she responded, a smile that could light up the galaxy. A smile that in current climates probably wouldn't be appropriate. She looked to his companions, first a male soldier she didn't recognise. He was well built by human standards she noted but she wasn't sure about his hair-cut. Liara chuckled inside. _Humans and their hair.._ Talking of hair, she realised who was on Shepard's right.

_Ashley Williams._ She hadn't seen the Gunnery Chief since Shepards funeral. And here she was, back at Shepard's hip, a rifle in hand. The woman who won Johns affections. The woman who broke his heart. _Well at least if she doesn't have him anymore.. Don't be petty_. She liked Ashley. But she definitely liked Shepard more.

"Liara"  
>"Shepard"<br>"Liara"  
>"Ashley"<p>

Vega couldn't help but notice that there was more warmness in the way the Asari in front of him greeted the Commander then Williams. _Maybe there's a story there._

"Williams, Vega, stay put" the order from Shepard was a surprise as he walked towards a window at the far end of the room, motioning for Liara to follow him. She watched as the two shared a close hug. _Did she swoop in after Horizon and take what she always wanted?_ Ashley attempted to keep all emotions coolly in check as James whispered closely to her, "Is there a story there?"

The disapproving look that Ashley gave him definitely returned him to a standing up right position rather quickly. _My bad._

Returning her gaze to Liara and Shepard she noticed that_.. did Liara seem agitated?_ Shepard seemed to be talking at a mile a minute, almost Salarian like and Liara couldn't seem to get a word in. Finally she put her hand on Shepard's shoulder and spoke to him softly. She saw Shepards head drop slightly, as if he was disappointed with what Liara was saying. Finally he raised his head, nodded and abruptly walked back towards the two Alliance soldiers. Trying to look away quickly, Ashley caught Liara sighing deeply out of the corner of her eye and followed the Commander, almost dejectedly back towards her.

As she and the Commander reached the centre of the room again, Shepard spoke clearly for the first time outside, hurt once again behind his words.

"So.. Liara" he stopped and breathed in deeply, more grit forming behind his voice this time. "Hackett ordered us here to find you and what you were researching. He said you'd know what's going on"

"I do." Liara smiled softly at the Commander. She steadied herself. "I've discovered plans for a Prothean device. One that could wipe out the Reapers."

Ashleys heart fluttered. She looked over at her Commander. _Why didn't he seem happy about this?_ "Here? On Mars?" Ashley jumped in, eager to find out what Liara had found out. _Could this be it?_

As Liara explained to them about the Prothean device blueprints, Shepard couldn't focus. He kept replaying Liara's final words to him over and over in his head.

"Shepard.. John.. I'm sorry. I don't know where she is. We lost track of her.. but I'll help you find her, I promise. All the words she spoke broke away, leaving just six.

"I don't know where she is."

And instead of being able to focus on the danger on hand, his thoughts tormented him with images of her being hunted by Cerberus assassins. He tired to shake them off as he attempted to focus on Liara's words. _She's strong. She's a survivor. _

Shepard prayed that he was right as Cerberus reinforcements led a new charge through a door from above, raining down gunfire as his team scrambled for cover.


End file.
